Well, it’s now December, so I suppose it can’t be too long before we begin to see the first of the Christmas decorations going up in the shops, and then, ooh, another week or so and we’ll start seeing some Christmas adverts on TV.
I said I definitely would not do another Christmas short story this year, so here it is. Part one of three. Probably.
In a way, this continues on from last year’s Christmas stories; I’ve put the links to them at the bottom of the page if you’d like to refresh your memories!
It was almost the end of another tough year, another year of scrimping and scraping and just getting by. It didn’t seem right, somehow, that Santa should be on the breadline for most of the year, for that was how Henderson thought of himself now; Santa.
He didn’t really think they would take him on again this year, though. Not after what had happened the previous year, that is. But to his surprise, Nicol had smiled at him and said ‘Yes, it’ll be great to have you back on board again,’ without the slightest trace of sarcasm in his voice.
‘How have you been?’
‘Well, my back’s a bit stiffer than it was last year.’
‘You’ll welcome the new changes, then,’ he said, bitterly.
‘Yes. I’m afraid the government has taken an interest in us this year. That could spell real trouble in the future – if you come back next year, I expect you’ll find we’ve been privatised. They’re already making noises about cutting the number of presents.
‘It started last year. The Equality Commission visited us with a long list of what they called ‘positive changes’ that we needed to make.
‘Every single household with children needs to be visited, they said.
‘We do that already.
‘Each child needs to receive gifts of equal value, so that no one can think themselves disadvantaged.
‘We do. We always have done.
‘And you need to log each visit.
‘We do, it’s computerised. Has been for years. We have records going back to Victorian times.
‘And more crap like that. It feels like the writings on the wall, now.’ He sighed. ‘Anyway, this year they were back again. So if your back’s a problem, you’ll be pleased to know that all the sleighs are wheelchair accessible now; or they will be,’ he corrected himself, ‘just as soon as we finish making the changes.
‘It was sprung on us at the end of November. Some twat with a clipboard and one of those stupid plastic ID cards hanging on a chain around his neck turned up unannounced in the office. He had come to find out whether our employment record reflected the government’s ‘investment in diversity’ – whatever the frick that means. Had we heard that a shopping mall in the USA had a black Santa this year? Yes, I said, we had. And over the years we’ve had sled-loads of black Santas. And brown ones. Pink ones. One year we even had a yellow Santa. Real yellow, I mean. Jaundice, it turned out to be.’ He sighed. ‘That one didn’t turn out well.
‘That’s good, he said, and ticked something on his clipboard. Then: What about disabled? You’re Joking, I said. How’s a disabled Santa going to get up and down chimneys?’
‘But I didn’t have to…’ Henderson began.
‘Yes, but he wasn’t to know that. That’s for you to facilitate was his reply, though. Bloody hell, can’t these jerks even speak English? Oh, well, that won’t be a problem, I told him, I’ll just put ramps and a ladder in each sleigh.’ Nicol ground his teeth together and looked really angry. ‘I was trying to wind him up, but the bloody idiot just smiled and said oh, well done. I’ll tick that one off too, then.’
‘If I haven’t met that bloke, I’ve certainly met one or two like him.’
‘Oh, there’s more. I’ll need to come and take a look at your sleighs, now. He said. And I should have seen what was coming, then.
‘Now they’ve all had to go back to the workshops to be made wheelchair accessible. We’ve only got two available at the moment, which means things are a bit hectic.’
‘Does that mean you really have to take on Santas who are…well…in wheelchairs?’
‘I’ll bet that’s a relief.’
‘Uh-huh. Elves.’ He shrugged. ‘No reason why not, I guess. You know how it works, it’s just a bit slower than usual. It means I put in a requisition for two more sleighs and teams to cover the timings. Probably the biggest pain is the changes to the delivery program.
‘Anyway, that doesn’t affect your team. Here’s your schedule.’
They were both rather thickly built, unshaven men. One was smoking a roll-up.
‘They don’t look much like elves’
‘You don’t look much Santa Claus.’
‘I look more like Santa Claus than they look like elves, though.’
‘Well, I’m sorry, but that’s your team. They are fully trained and know what they’re doing.’
‘Are these guys from the same agency as me?’
‘No, they’re long-term unemployed. From the Job Centre. Another government stipulation, I’m afraid. Forty-two percent of our intake this year have to be candidates who have been out of work for a year or more. But they’re okay. I did a trial shift with these two yesterday and they were, er, just fine.’ Henderson stared at him. His experience with elves the previous year had made the subject a rather sensitive one. Then he looked at the elves, who stared back at him in what seemed a rather unfriendly manner.
‘No need to gawp,’ said one. ‘Ain’t you never seen a bloke in a pixy hat before?’
‘Not for a while,’ he conceded. ‘I’m Henderson, by the way.’
‘Come on then, Henderson, let’s get in,’ said the other. ‘Let’s get this crap over with, so we can go home.’
‘Put that cigarette out first, Edwards,’ said Nicol, sharply. ‘You know the rules!’ Edwards glared at him, then threw the cigarette across the yard.
‘Bastard!’ he muttered, under his breath. Henderson took his seat at the front of the sleigh and waited for the ‘elves’ to get in.
‘This will be fun,’ he thought, gloomily.
If you’ve read this far, and my thanks for doing that, then you might like to read last year’s Christmas short stories: