A Christmas Carol – 1

On By Mick CanningIn Bob, Christmas, comment, satire

I haven’t seen much of Bob, recently.

To be fair to Bob, he’s been rather busy. But he came round to my house the other day. Well,  the other evening, really. He was carol singing. And it was only just December.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ I asked him. He look puzzled.

‘Carol singing, of course. Why?’

‘Why? It’s only just turned December, that’s why.’

‘Well, all the shops have their decorations up now.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘And some have had, for the last few months.’

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‘True, but…’

‘And they’re all playing Christmas songs.’

‘Unfortunately true…’

‘And half the kittens on social media are dressed in red and white and chasing Christmas baubles around on the floor and then batting them with their cute little paws…’

‘Stop it, Bob!’

‘So why can’t I go round carol singing?’

‘Because there’s only one of you and it sounds awful!’

‘Oh…sorr…eee!’

‘And what are you collecting for?’

‘Huh?’

‘That tin you’re rattling. What’s it in aid of?’

‘Our Christmas lunch.’

‘Bob! You can’t do that! You’re supposed to be collecting for charity!’

‘Am I? Who says so?’

‘I…er…I don’t know. You just are, that’s all.’

‘Well, I’m collecting for our Christmas lunch!’ He rattled the tin meaningfully towards me. ‘Silent Night…’ he began again, his voice rising suddenly about two and three sevenths octaves. I shuddered. The kittens left their baubles and ran for cover. ‘Holy Night!’

‘Shut your bloody racket!’ Came my neighbour’s voice – slightly muffled, but carrying a clear threat of violence.

Bob left quickly.

 

In other years, I’ve written a few short stories for Christmas, but not this year.

Bob has inspired me to re-imagine a few Christmas Carols for the twenty first century.

Here is the first one.

Strident night,

Angry night,

Down cheap booze,

Get into a fight.

Punch and scratch and kick and bite.

Tell the other bloke he’s just a shite.

Sleep in a prison cell…oh!

Sleep in a prison cell.

For those of my readers who do consider Christmas to be a holy festival, I must point out that these little offerings are intended as my rant against the excesses and the commercialisation of Christmas today. I hope you will not take any offence, for none is intended!

31 thoughts on “A Christmas Carol – 1”

  1. I’ve always had a soft spot for Bob. In some ways, there’s a Bob inside all of us (I don’t mean that to be as rude as it sounds). I am an atheist but the commercialisation of Christmas really gives me the pip. I love a celebration as next as the next fellow, but it would be nice if we could at least try and focus on the elements of peace on earth and goodwill, even if we don’t believe that a woman who was carrying a baby that wasn’t that of her husband popped one out in a stable two thousand years ago. Actually, that sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Back to the fighting and drinking, then.

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    1. And Bob speaks most highly of you too, Lucy.

      I agree entirely with your sentiments. My family and friends often tell me that I ‘hate Christmas’, but I always reply that’s not true; I hate what it has become – a race to the bottom as far as ridiculous consumerism and greed goes. As a child, I found it magical – we went to carol services in the church with a simply lit tree, and at home we had a few treats and a few presents. Mostly, it was family and friends playing games and chatting and going for walks. No one covered the outside of their house with 20,000 light bulbs and inflatable santas, no one bought 3 months of food to last a couple of days, and no one spent the equivalent of a month’s wages on each of their children.

      I think Jeremy Kyle has plenty to keep him going post-Christmas as it is.

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  10. I adore Christmas for every reason under the sun, including religious ones, but I know that your wonderfully amusing poem is anything but offensive. A nice bit of fun….
    Its also, very accurate, I would think.
    Ho Ho – Fun!

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      1. I agree and it annoys me when people put decorations up in October and proudly tell me all of their presents are bought and wrapped in August. Bah Humbug to that. Otherwise I love the time to stop and reflect; do nothing; watch films; read books and make exciting plans for the new year.

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