Well, I don’t know about you, but what with you-know-what and the lockdown I feel a bit bleurgh at the moment, so to try to inject a little cheer – or whimsy, anyway – I thought I’d re-post an old one:
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, God created the world. And he looked upon the world and said ‘Well, so far so good’.
And the world was full of beautiful things and good things and a great bounty of useful things that humans would later ransack and destroy in the name of greed, although that is a story for another day.
But when the people whom God had created looked upon his great works, they said unto Him ‘How might we thank you, oh God? How might we show our gratitude for your benevolence?’
And God replied ‘Oh, I don’t know. I really wish you wouldn’t bother. But if you must, just make me a sandwich, or something. I’m feeling a bit peckish after all that creating.’
And so the people made haste to slice bread and find Good Things to become a tasty and delicious filling for the sandwich they had made for their God. And there arose minor disputes such as whether ham and cheese really went together in a sandwich, or whether mayonnaise actually counted as food, but the people settled their quarrel in an amicable fashion and so the sandwich was created and placed upon a golden plate that was decorated with the names of angels and archangels, and set about with small mountains of salad and just a little dash of mustard in case God should fancy some.
And then one among them rose up and said ‘Wait, for we must cut this sandwich before we present it to our God, unless it be a bit too large for him to handle and he drop pieces of cheese from the sides or drip mayonnaise in his holy lap.’
And all at once there arose discord, for some were found who would cut the sandwich in a diagonal fashion, and yet others who declared that would be an affront to His holiness and that the only Right Way would be to cut the sandwich into equal rectangles.
And lo, the factions took up weapons and fought, yea, even in the Holy Kitchen, and they did massacre one another and each declared that the other faction was a worshipper of Satan, who was completely bemused by all this, since he had no followers (not even on Facebook), and they did create rival churches and rival nations and declared undying enmity against each other, spending the next few thousand years thinking up new and more imaginative ways to hate and kill and destroy each other.
And God groaned and held his head in his hands and said ‘Oh verily, what a cock-up this has become. I think I shall destroy the lot of them.’
Surprised they even got to agreeing on a filling first.
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No idea how that happened…
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Haha..Nicely written. 🙂
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Thank you!
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Great writing, Mick. Via one sandwich you show the destruction man can
and have so easily brought upon themselves.
Maybe they should have simply presented poor God with knife and fork.
miriam
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I’m sure they would have found a way to argue over that, Miriam.
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Perhaps he should have taken the opportunity and started afresh Mick/
Keep Well, Hugs
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He probably thought ‘Uh-oh, this isn’t going to end well.’
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That’s interesting!
I believe I read the original one earlier, but nice to read again. Well written
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Thanks, Ishaan. Yes, I posted it around three years ago.
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You seem to have been around for a long time.
How are things in your country? That question doesn’t neccesarily refer to you know what.
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Other than you know what, it’s a bit difficult to tell since everything seems to have been impacted by it, or pushed to one side. There’s not much else in the news, still.
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Oh.
You know what is getting irritating.
Worse than you know who.
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Yes, even that!
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I tried roaming the english countryside on google street view. It was nowhere near the real experiencw, but It made me yearn even more to get out and go to a similar place. You live in a beautiful country!
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I do. Yet, you do, too. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, as they say.
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Haha! Agreed.
But I never said it was better than mine! 😉
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True!
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Ah, that was rich, Mick, and so timely since the earth has started taking us out like a sniper on a rooftop. Happy Sunday!
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Thanks, Pam. You too! I wonder whether the Earth has just been biding her time…
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🤞we can find a way forward.
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🙂
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All too true.
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Sadly, yes.
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What a delightful read! I can just imagine God’s expression. 😀 Thank you for re-posting this, Mick. Keep well.
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Thanks, Rama. I think it’s fair to say He was disappointed.
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All that rancor was completely unnecessary, if only the diagonal people could have admitted they were wrong.
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Ah, Greg, now how can I say this…?
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Such a fun read and so true…
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Thanks, Jan. Sadly, it is.
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That’s a wonderful piece of writing.
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Thanks, Gary. It was fun.
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And meanwhile, poor God had no sandwich! Leave it to humans to try to turn the simplest thing into rocket science … of course the sandwich should have been cut diagonally into 4 triangles!!! So simple! Fun story, Mick … you’ve made me smile … thanks.
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You’re welcome, Jill.
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Brilliant, funny, and uncomfortably very close to what could potentially really happen. I’ve had many heated sandwich discussions in the past over fillings and cutting which caused ridiculous bad feeling. My way is obviously right though!
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Only if it’s my way too, Jonno!
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Of course.
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Lol. Too true, Mick. I enjoyed the story. I’d actually read the bible if it was that entertaining. I hope you’re doing well and finding ways to be creative. Have a peaceful week. 🙂
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Thanks, Diana. Writing, naturally, when I can overcome writer’s block (as usual). Now, if only one of Greg’s muses would show up…
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Greg’s muse is a basket case. Lol. I’m having a really hard time writing too. I have all this time and can’t focus. I’m disciplined, but still… ugh. I hope your muse is keeping up the pressure a little. What a surreal time. Take care.
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You too, Diana. My muse has hit the bottle and it’s next to impossible to get anything intelligent from them.
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If you have a conversation/confrontation with your muse, I’m happy to reblog. 🙂
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I’m treading carefully. I might need Dutch Courage myself to tackle that…
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I have to say, I think your theology is spot on!
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Thanks, Ann. I studied in the Great Cafeteria of Truth.
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Funny! Hope the doldrums pass soon.
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I think we all hope that!
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Omg this is the best thing I’ve read all day—and that is saying a lot!! So nice to read you again, Mick! Peace and light on you! 🙏🏼❤️
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Thanks, Cathy. I’m really pleased you liked it.
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Only a true writer can write on bread, cheese, ham…..
Hope you are safe? I assume lockdown must have been lifted by now.
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Thanks, Arv. Still safe, but Lockdown is still in place. The powers that be are discussing how and when to begin easing the restrictions. Hopefully, it will be done gradually and intelligently (er…right…). Hope you’re safe and well too, Arv.
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All well here but things are not too great. You know how things work here and the mindset. Well it’s best to stay indoors even when the lockdown is lifted.
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Yes, I see your point entirely. Stay safe, Arv.
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Thanks. 🙂
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Brilliant way to start the day, with a smile on my face! Thanks Mick.
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You’re welcome! Glad it hit the spot!
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I enjoyed reading this. 🙂
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Thank you, delighted that you did.
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I suppose all this took place in the Garden of Edam? I’m really sorry. I don’t know what came over me…
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People have blocked for less, Geoff…
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And verily, God did invent a certain virus, and rendered it with an award named after his friend Darwin…
(And you too can have jam with a peanut butter sandwich… 😉 )
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Jelly and peanut butter, eh? That’s how the War in Heaven started!
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Perfect!
Silly, silly humans – the lot of them 🙂
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Exactly!
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This is brilliant, Mick. He’s not doing a great job of destroying us though, with the population sitting at over 7.5 billion.
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Oh, I don’t know, Robbie. I think this one has potential…
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Yes, it may have. We will have to wait and see. I am being very careful as Michael, my asthmatic son, and my 81 year old mom are both vulnerable.
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Indeed. Like most people, we have elderly relatives (in our case, both have mums aged 92), so are worried mainly for them.
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