Excerpts From The Book of Meh

On By Mick CanningIn cats, humour, Religion, satire

From Chapter one:

In the beginning there was lots of very dark darkness and very cold cold stuff, which wasn’t at all nice and although no one existed yet, they were all really miserable.

And Meh, the god of this world, thought ‘Well, this isn’t much fun’ and so He created the universe, with the Milky Way above and the Place of Torment below. And the Milky Way is a beauteous place of flowing streams of milk and cream and comfortable sofas beside cosy fires, while the Place of Torment is a cold and frozen place of hard floors and empty food bowls. And that was the first day, and a jolly good first day’s work it was too.

On the second day, Meh created the earth by vomiting up a giant hairball, and then sat back as life rapidly evolved without any further input from Meh, which was how He liked it, so He could curl up and take a little nap…

From Chapter three:

‘And thou shalt make images of Meh, and cause them to be distributed, yeah, all over the internet and into the world even unto the furthest corners. There shall be infinitely more of these images than those of dogs, for I, Meh, am a jealous god.

‘And be it known my chosen ones, whom I love and have created in my own image, shall be afforded a privileged place in thine homes, otherwise I shall visit plagues upon thy households, yeah, even unto the seventh generation of thy accursed species.

‘But those who treat my beloved offspring well shall have their eternal reward, most especially in the Milky Way, while those who mistreat them shall be condemned to be pounced upon and bitten for all eternity, and great will be the wailing and gnashing of teeth.’

From Chapter seven:

And know that this is the truth, for it is written herein and thou shalt believe it for it is the word of Meh.

It is told there was a Man of Meh, and he came unto the land of Babylon to preach to the people there tolerance and goodwill to all those that walk upon four legs and are furry and purr when pleased, yet the people received him with hostility and drove him out into the desert.

And thus Meh said ‘Lo, I shall send plagues to irritate and annoy these godless people until they learn the error of their ways.’ There was first, then, a plague of fleas, which certainly irritated them, although it was insufficient to cause them to mend their ways. So Meh then turned the milk sour, and this annoyed the people, but they still denied Meh and said ‘We don’t want to listen to some preacher spouting a load of old bollox’ and so Meh then caused all the fish in the fish market to be a bit off, and not really smell all that good. And the people said ‘Oh, leave it out. We’ll make our own rules and laws.’

So Meh did withdraw from the world, and he did sulk a goodly while.

26 thoughts on “Excerpts From The Book of Meh”

  2. Absolutely brilliant and wonderfully funny, Mick. This had me in giggles from beginning to end. The imagery of Meh and his kingdom was so vivid from your description. Is this an actual book or something you wrote yourself? I did look on Amazon out of interest, and although there are several books with Meh in the title, none matched your title. I loved it.

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  5. This was even funnier on the second reading, and full-giggly the third. The first time through, I was trying to figure out what was happening. Once I knew, I had to admire how well you’d captured it all — especially that last, sulking departure.

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  6. That was fun – definitely not meh. Take care though, the high priests of Meh may stick their noses up, as if the fish had gone bad, and ignoring your inspiration, quote their holy word. And the kitty cats will wail.

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  12. Ah, what a delight, Mick. I read the first 3 paragraphs to my better half and he asked me to forward the post. 🙂 Have the missing chapters disappeared in the crevice of a big, comfy sofa, a crevice that’s full of cat hair? Or are they waiting for another post?

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