The Great Sandwich Schism

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, God created the world. And he looked upon the world and said ‘Well, so far so good’.

And the world was full of beautiful things and good things and a great bounty of useful things that humans would later ransack and destroy in the name of greed, although that is a story for another day.

But when the people whom God had created looked upon his great works, they said unto Him ‘How might we thank you, oh God? How might we show our gratitude for your benevolence?’

And God replied ‘Oh, I don’t know. I really wish you wouldn’t bother. But if you must, just make me a sandwich, or something. I’m feeling a bit peckish after all that creating.’


And so the people made haste to slice bread and find Good Things to become a tasty and delicious filling for the sandwich they had made for their God. And there arose minor disputes such as whether ham and cheese really went together in a sandwich, or whether mayonnaise actually counted as food, but the people settled their quarrel in an amicable fashion and so the sandwich was created and placed upon a golden plate that was decorated with the names of angels and archangels, and set about with small mountains of salad and just a little dash of mustard in case God should fancy some.

And then one among them rose up and said ‘Wait, for we must cut this sandwich before we present it to our God, unless it be a bit too large for him to handle and he drop pieces of cheese from the sides or drip mayonnaise in his holy lap.’

And all at once there arose discord, for some were found who would cut the sandwich in a diagonal fashion, and yet others who declared that would be an affront to His holiness and that the only Right Way would be to cut the sandwich into equal rectangles.

And lo, the factions took up weapons and fought, yea, even in the Holy Kitchen, and they did massacre one another and each declared that the other faction was a worshipper of Satan, who was completely bemused by all this, since he had no followers (not even on Facebook), and they did create rival churches and rival nations and declared undying enmity against each other, spending the next few thousand years thinking up new and more imaginative ways to hate and kill and destroy each other.

And God groaned and held his head in his hands and said ‘Oh verily, what a cock-up this has become. I think I shall destroy the lot of them.’

46 thoughts on “The Great Sandwich Schism

  1. Not such a bad idea maybe as the next batch may be more amenable to reasoning and present god with both diagonally cut and straight cut sandwiches. They may also have had all their warlike tendencies removed and show real concern for the planet. Humankind, should it be called that will be able to improve on things for each generation without leaving places that can’t be ventured into because of disease or atomic bomb residues.
    Hugs Mick

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Did you know that the venerable Club Sandwich was created — for it is part of the Lord’s creation — so that the toothpick with the little coloured plastic decoration round the top symbolises the Holy Lance that pierced Jesus’ side?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. But before god could decide which way he would destroy his failing creation, he saw that they were divided against themselves again, for there arose among the embers of the triangle-rectangle sects cults of “crust” and “no crust” and verily did they bring arms against the other and smite them with weapons rough (crust) and smooth (no crust).

    And god said unto his angels, “Stay thy hand and slay them not, these mortals make better viewing than Game of Thrones; and I hate waiting for R.R.Martin to write the next season.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think you’ve got that right in every respect, Himanshu. However, the triangle crust cutters are now divided into those with the crusts removed before the sandwich is assembled, and those with the crusts removed afterwards. And the deadliest strife of all is between those who remove it afterwards with the LEFT hand against those who use the RIGHT! The left-afterwards-crusts off-triangleists, however, are complete nutters.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. But in time God didn’t have to lift a finger to destroy his creation, the mighty warriors of the sandwich saved him the trouble. And the sandwich, sliced and diced in its many ways was left to the cockroaches, because that’s what happens when things get cocked up.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. hehehehe I loved this Mick! Obviously, diagonals are the only way to go, and I could tell you agree with us, even if you didn’t state this outright.
    I think it says so much about your tolerance that you’re willing to concede to the possibility of 2 acceptable means putting food in our faces. I see a sainthood on the horizon…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I wouldn’t like to declare my stance there, Gabe. Who can possibly tell what sort of ire I might call down on me if I did?
      I like to think I’ve presented a fair and balanced view of both sets of nutters…uh, I mean, points of view.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I loved this post and have been trying to think of a fitting comment but I think they’ve all been taken by previous comments so that just leaves me to say this is brilliantly written, Mick – clever, very funny and I’d love to read the sequel … or was that The New Testament (which could be a whole new post)? There’s a thought …

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Sickness and Diseases – Mick Canning

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