resolutions – Mick Canning

Anyone still following their New Year’s resolutions? Good on you. As a rule I don’t make them, but this year I have drawn up a bit of a list. Partly, this is a coincidence. I’m on Goodreads, and they encourage you to set a reading target for the year, which I usually do as I think it provides that little extra spur to get on with it when I don’t feel much like reading.

When I’m feeling a bit meh, for example.

But the timing of the Goodreads prompt, being at the start of the year, not unnaturally suggested I might compile a little list of targets in other areas, which I did, but which I’m not going to be foolish enough to share here. Anyway, those few of you who follow me on Goodreads might notice that the couple of books I’ve been reading so far this year are books I’ve read before. And that’s because one of the resolutions I’ve made is that I shall re-read lots of books this year that I have read and enjoyed in the past. Favourites of mine. Books that give me real pleasure to read. In fact, the TBR pile beside my bed is currently eight books, not including the one I’m reading, six of which I’ve read before.

Re-reading a book is always a good idea anyway, as one inevitably notices things one didn’t notice the first time around. But my motive is pleasure, pure and simple. I shall still read some new books this year, but I shall focus strongly on those I’ve read before that I love. We’re often told, in one way or another, that we ‘should’ read this or that book, or that it is an ‘essential’ read (I know I’ve been guilty of it myself in the past, and will no doubt do it again). Well, this year, those folk can shove off. And take their ‘essential’ reads with them.

New Year’s Resolution lists seem to be routinely full of ways to ‘improve’ the maker of the list – make them fitter, get a better job, etc etc – rather than simply to bring pleasure. And although that’s perfectly laudable, it’s important not to forget pleasure for its own sake. It’ll help us get through the year.

I rarely, if ever, make New Year’s resolutions. I feel that if there is something in my life that needs changing, then it should be addressed straight away, rather than leaving it until an arbitrary date in the future. Of course, for many people it acts as a focus or some other incentive to change old habits, although witness the number of gym memberships that never get used beyond, say, the end of January, and it becomes obvious that what many people need to change most is their resolve.

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Possibly jumping the gun a little with this photo…

As an introvert, I am very curious to know whether much of my behaviour is conditioned by my being that, or whether it is my behaviour that causes my introversion in the first place. It’s probably a ‘chicken and egg’ situation, of course, with both applying equally. My introversion is surely driven by those elements of anxiety, my inferiority complex and the depression I’ve always lived with, and, in turn, those things will be reinforced by my chosen introverted lifestyle.

But we are complex creatures. Like Harry Haller in Hermann Hesse’s excellent novel Steppenwolf, each one of us consists of many different personalities. Our characters will be made up of a mixture of the cultivated soul, the wild, untamed soul (the ‘wolf of the steppes’ in Hesse’s book), the dancer, the monk, the shopaholic, the miser…all those elements will be there to a greater or lesser degree. And alongside the Introvert exists also the Extrovert, even if this personality is rather repressed in my case. It is all a matter of balance.

It seems much worse in the winter, too. I am certain I am affected by SAD; it seems entirely logical that I should feel low when the weather is cold and grey and bleak, and perk up when the sun comes out. Perhaps we all do.

Yesterday, the weather was the pits. Cold, grey, and bleak, with added showers of freezing cold rain and a wind that cut through me like a knife. I really felt like crap. But today, I walked out under a clear blue sky, a bright sun glinting off the puddles and the grass rippling in a mild, gentle breeze. These are the moments I need to seize; to wrestle my soul back from the darkness. The moments I need to shake off the black dog and point myself towards the little things I can do to lift myself.

I remind myself that I have a published book that people have been nice about, therefore not all my writing is meaningless drivel. I have sold many paintings, and a lot of people have enthused over them. I can paint, and I don’t need to destroy them all. Family and friends do matter, and they do care about me. There will be warm, sunny days and expeditions. There will be walks and bottles of wine shared. There will be wonderful books to read and interesting places to visit.

And so, I resolve to fight that bastard black dog for another year.